Boundaries for Healthy Sober Dating

Last Updated on 28 November 2023

Each boundary is a statement of the behaviour I no longer want to act out,
followed by an affirming statement of the behaviour I want to replace the old behaviour with.

  1. I will not see them for reasons of being sexual.
    I will see them to do something of mutual interest or to get to know as a friend.
  2. I will not stop or cancel my other activities to see them.
    I will see them when it fits into my schedule.
  3. I will not have sex with them for at least 13 dates.
    I will trust them before having sex.
  4. I will not make them perfect.
    I will see them for who they are.
  5. I will not give away my trust.
    I will take time to get to know them and come to my own conclusions about whether I should trust them.
  6. I will not manipulate to get compliments of their attractions for me.
    I will compliment myself.
  7. I will not beat myself up for the first addictive thought.
    I will replace addictive thoughts with healthy ones.
  8. I will not constantly think about or fantasise about them.
    I will have a well-rounded life where I think about all things happening in my life.
  9. I will not pretend to be someone else.
    I will be truthful, honest, and totally myself.
  10. I will not share personal things about myself before its time.
    I will keep appropriate boundaries and let intimacy develop naturally.
  11. I will not jump head-first into the relationship. I will not have daily contact.
    I will walk slowly, and initially talk to them only when we have specific plans.
  12. I will not feel obligated to stay in the relationship, or to continue dating them.
    I can end the dating/relationship whenever I want for any reason.
THE JOURNAL. Jan/Feb 1992

This is not an official document, but suggestions by one member.
‘him/her/he/she’ language changed to ‘them/their’

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