Step One: “We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
Step Three: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.”
Addiction is like living in a fun house. The insanity and unmanageability of addiction look normal to those who can see themselves only through the distorted lens of dysfunctional behaviour and its consequences. The warped mirrors of the addict make the bizarre look normal.
Patrick Carnes
The first step after finding a sponsor is to begin looking at your sexual acting out. What are the behaviours that are most problematic? What are the things that continue to get you into trouble? What brings the most shame?
The first 7 days
The first seven days are dedicated to this process – called setting bottom and top lines. Completing the Worksheet (Setting Bottom & Top Lines) found in the Setting Bottom-Lines pamphlet is a helpful element of the question for Day 7.
During the first seven days, we worked with our sponsor to decide on what behaviours we needed to stop in order to best support our recovery. We answered a question a day and read the answer to our sponsor who was there to listen, gently guide and give feedback, if we needed it. We answered each question in order and on the day so that our answers were as current as possible as to how we felt on that day.
Addiction is a pathological relationship to any mood-altering person, thing, substance, or activity that has life-damaging consequences.
John Bradshaw
Working the first 3 steps
The next 30 days working Steps one to three.
To work the Steps with a sponsor, you need four pieces of literature:
S.L.A.A.’s Basic Text
AA’s Big Book
S.L.A.A.’s A Framework For Living
AA’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
Just like the seven-day identification questions used to determine bottom-line behaviours, answer one question each day and read it to your sponsor.
After 30 days, your sponsor will guide you through a Step Three Ceremony and “step you up” at a HOW meeting to celebrate completing Steps One to Three. Remembering the saying, “Service is sobering,” you may then begin sponsoring other S.L.A.A. members up to Step Three if you feel ready.
Sponsor Responsibilities and Boundaries
Short absences: If you are unavailable on a given day, inform your sponsee ahead of time and reschedule.
Extended absences: If you will be away for longer, arrange a temporary sponsor for your sponsee (such as your own sponsor).
Expectations: Inform sponsees that consistently missing agreed commitments without a valid reason—such as failing to call for three consecutive days—may result in ending the sponsorship.
Sharing in Meetings
Sponsees and members who have had a slip are encouraged to take part in the prioritised share portion of S.L.A.A. HOW meetings after 14 days of sobriety (or according to local meeting policy). This ensures meetings remain focused on carrying the message of recovery.
Handling a Slip as a Sponsor
If you slip while acting as a sponsor:
Notify your sponsor and sponsees immediately. Give your sponsees the option to continue working with you or choose another sponsor.
Pause sponsoring. Do not stand up as a sponsor or take on new sponsees until agreed upon with your sponsor.
Wait to share. Wait until you have seven days of sobriety before sharing in meetings.
All of these guidelines are designed to promote healing and support everyone in regaining and maintaining sobriety.
Defining Sobriety
Use this worksheet with your sponsor to work out how to define your personal sobriety – Setting Bottom and Top Lines.
These 30 questions will walk you through the first 3 steps in SLAA. These can be very intense days of exploring and discovery. Purchase the Step and Sponsorship Guide to work through these steps.
Key Documents and Readings
SLAA HOW Guide (Steps 1-3)
Waiting upon publication of the new conference-approved SLAA HOW guide
A key element of the SLAA HOW concept is that the program is designed to achieve not only sobriety but also recovery. Part of this realisation is that most addicts arrive at the program with overwhelming shame and often a history of family dysfunction. Each person working the program is invited to reflect with their sponsor on what is necessary for them to achieve the freedom and new life that they desire. Part of this is refraining from a certain set of bottom-line behaviours but part is also adopting a new set of life-giving top-line behaviours and self-care systems.
When a person working the steps has a bust or slip of their self-defined bottom-lines, they are required to answer a slip question each day and share the answer with their sponsor until they have regained their previous sobriety and can resume working the step questions. For example, a person who busts on day 15 will answer 15 slip questions and then resume working the steps on question 15 or 16 (depending on whether they had the bust before or after completing that question). The aim and intention is for a sponsee to have at least 30 days of sobriety by the conclusion of the first 3 steps.
