Last Updated on 14 October 2024
Staying Sober and Safe Online
The digital age has transformed modern life, providing tools to help us work, manage finances, stay connected, and more. However, this virtual world can also become a dangerous playground for obsessive and compulsive sexual or romantic behaviors. Many find the speed, intensity, and anonymity of online experiences amplify and accelerate addiction, overwhelming our unprepared brains.
The purpose of “Sex and Love Addiction in the Digital Age” is two-fold:
- To help newcomers to S.L.A.A. recognize and relate to the online experiences shared by other members.
- To point the way towards the hope and freedom that can be found by applying the S.L.A.A. program’s tools.
If you identify with the content in this document, know that you are not alone. There is hope – S.L.A.A. can provide a path out of the secret, online life of addiction. By working the program alongside other recovering sex and love addicts, you can gain the tools and support needed to stay sober online.
Remember, progress not perfection, my friend. One day at a time, we’ll get through this together. You are not alone in this journey.
Patterns of Sex and Love Addiction Online:
The Big Picture
Sex and love addiction can take many forms, both in the real world and when it manifests in the virtual world of the internet. Some of us first developed these addictive patterns online, while for others, the online world simply became an extension of existing real-world addictions.
When we were online, the opportunities for feeding our addictions were readily available and often free. We could secretly indulge in our “digital drug” of choice. Laptops, smartphones, tablets, and other devices gave us mobile access, allowing us to easily find erotic content, lose ourselves in virtual relationships, or obsessively scour dating sites for new partners.
The convenience and anonymity of these online experiences often amplified and accelerated our addictive behaviors. It was all too easy to become consumed by these digital compulsions, losing touch with the real world around us.
It’s impossible to list all the online activities we’ve used to try and satisfy our addictive cravings. But here are some common examples:
- Spending hours searching for, bookmarking, streaming, and downloading online pornography – images, videos, or stories – to get aroused and masturbate.
- Acting out online through compulsive flirting, romantic intrigue, or maintaining multiple relationships, along with constant texting and chatting.
- Using dating sites, apps, chat rooms, or messaging services to find new partners for anonymous sex or romantic entanglement, obsessively checking for new responses.
- Using social media to stalk current or former partners across platforms.
- Practicing exhibitionism via webcams, email, text, or other platforms.
- Relying on online porn as a way to get sexual gratification without meeting anyone, continuing a pattern of isolation.
Over time, many of us took greater and greater risks online, even using work computers or others’ devices to access sexual material. And despite our best intentions, our resolve to stop always seemed to crumble in the face of the endless digital temptations.
Ultimately, we became willing to seek a lasting solution when we admitted the negative consequences, increased tolerance, withdrawal symptoms, guilt, shame, and damage to relationships that our online behaviors were causing. The voice in our head demanding “I need it now” was just too strong to ignore.
The AA Big Book’s description of addictive craving helps us understand the persistent, compelling desire we experience as sex and love addicts. You’re not alone in this, my friend. One day at a time, we’ll get through this together.
For some of us, the addictive craving and compulsive behaviors grew gradually over time, building up steam slowly. For others, it happened more quickly. But regardless of the pace, the result was the same – we were compelled to act, whether we wanted to or not. We were out of control, our thinking distorted. We confused intensity with intimacy, and in pursuing ever-more intense online experiences, we sacrificed our dignity and self-esteem.
Online pornography is perhaps the most common and widespread habit among sex and love addicts. It has unique features that make it especially dangerous – it is instantly available and seemingly endless. If one clip didn’t excite us, we’d just click again to find something else. And then again, and again. We spent hours searching for photos, videos, and stories, trying in vain to satisfy our craving. We lost sleep, were late for work, and missed commitments – all while our cravings led us to increasingly extreme and degrading content.
The truth is, we were trying to use pornography to quench a need that it could simply never satisfy. As the S.L.A.A. Basic Text says, “it was as though we were trying to quench a terrible thirst by drinking salt water.”
Online pornography may not have been our only addiction. We often used technology in other compulsive ways – subscribing to dating apps, using webcams for exhibitionism, or constantly sexting on our smartphones. Online dating, in particular, could start casually but quickly spiral out of control. As love addicts, we were willing to trade our self-respect for the fantasy of romance and connection, feeling painfully empty when alone.
Many of us found that even seemingly innocent text messages or casual chatting could quickly take a wrong turn. A friendly message would swiftly become flirtatious, and we’d find ourselves slipping into sexting before we even realized it. The distance between a simple “Hi, there” and “Want to meet up?” was shockingly short.
Similarly, our time on social media rapidly narrowed in focus, zeroing in on the singular goal of getting that addictive hit of pleasure. We lost the “social” part of social media, instead using it as a way to feed our fantasies, plunge into romantic intrigue, and stalk current or former partners.
Another online strategy some of us adopted was collecting and reading erotic stories. We believed this was less harmful than looking at images of people. But for some, this progressed to using artificial intelligence (AI) to create digital partners for a fantasy experience of romance or sex. We came to prefer this to the difficult work of building and maintaining a healthy relationship with a real person.
There were many reasons we turned to these virtual partners, treating them as objects rather than genuine loving companions. Many of us felt it was nearly impossible to find an authentic relationship, so an AI version seemed close enough to fill the empty feeling inside. Some of us lacked confidence, were afraid of people, or had vastly different views on the world, sex, and love.
Some even blamed and resented potential partners, seeing dating as an impossible chore not worth risking rejection. In the end, we were left alienated, isolated, and lonely. Using AI was an easy way to avoid the challenges of vulnerability and potential rejection in a real human relationship.
What Online Sex and Love Addiction Did to Us:
We Traded the Real for the Artificial
As we descended deeper into the digital world of sex and love addiction, our reality became distorted. We started to believe that real-life sexuality should mimic what we saw online. Healthy intimacy with our partners felt flat and boring in comparison to our fantasies. We began to view others as mere sex objects, rather than as human beings. We transferred these unrealistic expectations from the internet to the people in our real lives. The short-lived pleasure of our addiction became a poor substitute for the genuine validation and appreciation we should have been receiving from our partners and loved ones.
We Doubted Ourselves
Some of us started to doubt our own sexual performance, comparing ourselves unfavorably to what we saw or heard online. We saw ourselves as flawed, not good enough or attractive enough. We mistakenly thought the contacts we made on chat rooms, dating sites, and webcams were authentic, even as we hid behind fake profiles.
We Needed More and More
We spent increasingly more time searching for pornography, with the more we indulged, the more we craved. Activities that didn’t seem harmful at first would whet our appetite for more extreme content. We were never satisfied, always needing a higher “dose” – more time and more intense material. Our tolerance just kept increasing, disrupting our daily lives.
We Sacrificed Our Dignity
We sought out and viewed content that conflicted with our personal values – material we would have otherwise considered repulsive, undignified, or violent. We traded away our dignity and integrity for that addictive fix, risking discovery by loved ones and even legal consequences.
We Harmed Ourselves
At the height of our addiction, we became increasingly self-destructive. Instead of connecting with real people, we isolated and retreated into a sad, lonely world. We risked being discovered by loved ones, causing strain or even the failure of our relationships. We jeopardized our employment and professional standing. We neglected our basic needs for social interaction, regular meals, and physical exercise. Our daily routines became unhealthy, and we even risked incarceration. Yet, the consequences of viewing or retaining pornographic material did not deter us.
We Harmed Others
We paid less and less attention to the needs of our family and friends, becoming more and more self-absorbed. We justified viewing online pornography, telling ourselves “I’m not hurting anyone.” But we ignored how our demand was fueling the victimization, drug addiction, and exploitation hidden beneath the surface. Our use of online pornography and dating sites drove a wedge between us and our partners, as we chose the addictive virtual experience over real intimacy. This distance became wider and harder to overcome, costing some of us our most cherished relationships.
We Lived in Fear
Fear became our constant companion. We worried about loved ones discovering our online profiles, browsing histories, or stash of erotic material. We dreaded being stuck in situations where we couldn’t access our “drug” – like on family vacations or with malfunctioning devices. We fretted about different online liaisons finding out about each other, and about our social media accounts being hacked. Above all, we feared how far we’d have to go before finally feeling satisfied.
We Were Lonely
Our shame kept us stuck, barring us from real-life encounters with others. Our urges were never quenched, trapping us in a vicious cycle of shame and craving. Our lives became empty and meaningless, as we believed our online activities would build intimacy and alleviate our loneliness. Instead, we became even more isolated and ashamed. Our addictive behaviors were poor substitutes for true connection – we saw only body parts, not whole people, and created fantasies instead of genuine relationships.
Solutions We Have Found in S.L.A.A.
For a long time, most of us sensed that something was deeply wrong, even as we kept repeating the same addictive mistakes, hoping things would somehow get better. The denial that is a hallmark of this illness had a tenacious grip on us. But by working through the material in this document, we hope you’ve been able to start putting that denial behind you.
As Step One states, “We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable.” This essential surrender is the key to our recovery. S.L.A.A. offered us genuine hope – it gave us a way out that truly worked, even if it wasn’t a quick fix.
The S.L.A.A. program is a path forward that takes time and consistent effort. There are no simple answers to the question “What can I do to control my online addictive urges?” This document can only provide a glimpse into how the program works and how it can help. To truly understand the full depth of the S.L.A.A. approach, we encourage you to utilize the resources listed at the end, and above all, to attend meetings.
In the S.L.A.A. fellowship, we found the guidance and support we needed. With the help of others, we were able to break free from the constraints of our addiction. We seized the chance to regain our dignity, integrity, and sanity – to begin a new life.
As we worked the Twelve Steps, we discovered many practical actions that supported our recovery. We avoided social media, blocked messages from past partners, and stopped clicking on provocative headlines. Some of us even took a “digital diet,” staying off the internet entirely to maintain our sobriety. Many found that, by working the program, we could use technology without being hijacked by our addiction. Talking honestly with our sponsor and other members helped us determine the best strategies for staying sober online.
To our surprise, we learned we could repurpose the same devices we once used to feed our addiction to now fuel our recovery instead. The answers were there, if we were willing to seek them out with an open mind and the support of the fellowship.
Working the Twelve Steps allowed us to turn away from our destructive behaviors and begin to love ourselves. We made healthy connections with a Power greater than ourselves, as well as with others facing similar struggles. This gradual but steady return to sanity and personal dignity started with surrendering – admitting we were powerless over our addictive behaviors. Then, with the help of a Higher Power, the Twelve-Step program of S.L.A.A., and the Fellowship, we were guided along a safe path away from active sex and love addiction and toward wholeness.
The following suggestions apply to all S.L.A.A. members, even those whose addictive behaviors don’t directly involve the digital world:
- Attend S.L.A.A. meetings, either in-person or virtually through online or telephone options. Online meetings can be a healthy way to utilize technology in recovery.
- Get a sponsor – an experienced S.L.A.A. member who can guide you through working the Twelve Steps.
- Define your bottom-line behaviors – the specific activities you commit to avoiding in order to achieve and maintain sobriety. Your sponsor can help you create this personalized list.
- Read S.L.A.A. literature, such as the 40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis, Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction, and Questions Beginners Ask.
- Stay in regular contact with other recovering S.L.A.A. members between meetings – through phone calls, texts, emails, or face-to-face interactions.
- Become active in an S.L.A.A. group. Engaging in service always serves to strengthen our own recovery.
- Prioritize prayer and meditation. Set aside time each morning and evening to connect with your Higher Power, ask for strength, and express gratitude.
Here are some specific tips that have helped others who have struggled with online sex and love addiction:
- Replace your smartphone with a reduced-function phone.
- Delete any erotic or pornographic material from your devices and accounts.
- Delete apps, online accounts, bookmarks, and browser history tied to your addiction.
- Remove photos, messages, etc. from ex-partners and block their contact information.
- “Bookend” your internet use – call an S.L.A.A. member before and after going online, explaining your purpose.
- Only use the internet in public places where others can see your screen.
- Arrange your computer setup so others can see what you’re doing.
- Limit online time to only what’s necessary for work or social contacts.
- Be cautious with social media, as it can trigger romantic nostalgia.
- Avoid being alone with digital devices at bedtime.
- Use content-filtering software, but don’t rely on it completely.
- Install accountability software that reports your online activity to a trusted friend.
- Avoid websites and apps with erotic or sexual content.
- Limit exposure to media that could trigger addictive urges.
- Change your physical environment when you feel urges arising.
- Remember the negative consequences that follow acting out, as this can help prevent relapse.
The Twelfth Step encourages us to “practice these principles in all areas of our lives.” And we’ve found that applying these spiritual principles online can actually make the internet an ally in our recovery efforts.
For example:
- We can attend S.L.A.A. meetings virtually through online platforms.
- We can be honest and genuine in our email and text communications.
- We can use digital tools to offer encouragement and comfort to other struggling S.L.A.A. members.
- We can stay humble and vulnerable during video chats with our recovery peers.
- We can be direct rather than manipulative in our online interactions.
The internet may have an element of anonymity and superficiality, but it can also be a tool we use to build genuine, committed relationships. It doesn’t have to be a barrier – it can help us foster true intimacy, rather than just using it to keep people at a distance.
Take dating apps, for instance. While they can certainly be problematic in active addiction, some of us have found we can safely use them as part of a sober dating plan, discussed with our sponsor and other S.L.A.A. members. The internet itself is neutral – it’s how we choose to engage with it that matters.
Working the Twelve Steps helps us cultivate important spiritual qualities like honesty, humility, integrity, open-mindedness, and willingness. These are the fruits of the program, and they empower us to practice positive behaviors. The Steps map out a way for us to surrender our addictive tendencies and open ourselves up to a help and guidance beyond our own limited willpower. Spiritual growth is a lifelong journey, and the Steps are the roadmap.
